


My Kingdom

by Martynax



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bottom Zayn, Crossdressing, F/M, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Hiding, M/M, OT5 Friendship, Top Niall, Zayn is a crossdresser, it's not a kink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 06:43:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4511880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Martynax/pseuds/Martynax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn doesn’t do this often, he doesn’t always want to dress up or do his make up; sometimes he feels good with beard and leather jacket. And even when he wears stockings, rompers and dresses, he feels fully like a man. He just likes to feel <i>pretty</i>, even if no one sees him like that. Not his family, not his friends, not a single person. It’s not only about fear of being rejected, he wants it to be just his, no one else’s. Also, Zayn doesn’t have a single fucking clue how to describe that sometimes he likes to look like a girl, but it has nothing to do with his gender. People love to label others and Zayn doesn’t want to be labelled as freak, thank you very much.</p><p>Or, Zayn is a crossdresser and he's hiding that from everybody.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Kingdom

**Author's Note:**

  * For [istajmaal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/istajmaal/gifts).



> Thanks a lot to my lovely betas ;) Kasey and carietta <333 Check them on tumblr and AO3 ;) 
> 
> I hope you'll like it! xx Kudos and comments are much appreciated! Let me know what you think. 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr ;)

Zayn sighs heavily, putting his sketchpad away, and rubs his face, trying to focus on the lecturer. After six hours in uni he’s tired of sitting on uncomfortable chairs and hearing the constant noises of hundreds of students. Zayn never was a social butterfly, so being in one room with such a big amount of people simply tires him. Especially because of the girls that pay him much more attention than he’d like. He thought it would pass after high school, but Zayn still hears little giggles when he’s walking down the corridor, or has girls asking him for help with really stupid things, while batting their eyelashes at him. Zayn can’t stop himself from thinking bitterly that they wouldn’t do that if they knew who he really was. Not that it distresses him or anything, he’s into men anyway, which sometimes, is even worse in his situation. 

Zayn impatiently checks his watch and mumbles gloomily under his breath, seeing he needs to sit here for another forty minutes. But not even a minute passes, before he grabs his shit and gets the hell out of there. It’s a pure miracle he sat there for so long, anyway. Quietly, he leaves the class, saying sorry to every person he disturbs, and sighs in relief once he’s in the corridor. He puts his backpack on, heading to the cafeteria. He needs a strong coffee before he catches the tube. 

“Zaynie!” Someone with high voice screams after him, making him stop and turn around. And of course it’s Louis. Zayn grins, because he just can’t be grumpy when he sees Louis Tomlinson. It’s not possible. 

“Hi,” He says quietly, when Louis catches up to him, “What’s up?” 

“Yo,” Louis replies, fixing his fringe, “Shouldn’t you be in a lecture? I’m pretty sure you told me yesterday, that you finish at four.” 

“I was gonna die from boredom, so I left,” He informs him, as they head together to cafeteria. “Where’s your curly man?” 

“He finished early today,” His friend explains. “Lucky bastard.” 

Zayn smiles lightly, jumping off the stairs two at the time, because he really needs coffee and he really wants to go home. Sue him. 

“I need a favour, though,” Louis says, when they sit at the table. 

“Hmm?” Zayn hums, happily drinking his coffee. 

Louis blows the steam from his tea, holding the cup with both of his really small hands. Zayn isn’t big or muscular himself, but Louis’ petite body makes him feel protective towards him. The thing is, Louis may not be well-built, but he has a large and bossy personality to make up for it. It can be seen clearly when he’s with his boyfriend, whom is tall and muscular, but acts like a little, possessive kitten. They’re an odd pair, sure, but they’re absolutely _perfect_ for each other in every possible way. Zayn is jealous, sometimes. 

“Do you remember Niall?” Louis asks finally, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

“Irish guy with blond hair who is really loud, and reminds me of a small ball of energy?” Zayn raises his eyebrows. 

Louis grins, nodding. 

“You know he used to be my flatmate, right?”

“Yes. Now, will you tell me what do you want? I hate when you beat around the bush.” 

“Right, right,” Louis mumbles, rubbing his face. “I used to rent a flat with Niall, but then he had to go back to Ireland - his granddad was ill or something. I needed a new flatmate and that is how Harry and I ended up together.” 

Zayn nods impatiently, because he knows it and doesn’t have a clue, why Louis is telling him this. They met almost year ago, when this all was happening, and he’s memory isn’t that bad. 

“But what’s the point of this conversation?” He hurries Louis, looking at his coffee; he is going home when his drink is finished. 

“So, now Niall is coming back and he doesn’t have a place to live,” Louis says quickly like he’s afraid Zayn’s going to stop him, and something in Zayn’s stomach twists unpleasantly. 

“And what’s that got to do with me?” He asks, hoping he misunderstood his friend. 

“You live alone,” Louis points out, and he’s eyes start to look pleadingly. “And Niall is really great and I’m sure you’d get along pretty well…”

“No way, Lou,” Zayn murmurs quietly but surely. 

“But Zaynie, you don’t understand,” Louis groans, reaching for his hand. “I can’t throw Harry out and I know it’s not fair to Niall, ‘cause I told him I’m gonna find a roommate only for half a year, and now… Our place is too small for three, messy guys.”

Zayn bites his bottom lip, looking down, and takes a deep breath. On the one hand, he’d really like to help Louis, but on the other hand, he needs to think about this. His flat is… his kingdom. This is the only place where he can fully be himself, and that is why he doesn’t invite people too often. Their presence seems invasive to him and if those people are Louis Tomlinson, who is a nosy little shit that loves to rummage through Zayn’s shelves, it’s even worse. That’s why Zayn always locks the door to his bedroom when he invites him, Harry and Liam. They’re the only people he tolerates in his place. 

“Pretty please,” Louis pleads. “I’ll owe you. Niall is really a great guy, you need someone like him. I swear I almost pissed meself so many times with him. A right laugh he is, I’m telling you. Think about what an amazing experience that would be, to live with him.” 

Zayn rolls his eyes, but before he has a chance to say something, Louis continues, “I know your flat is your sanctuary or something, and I don’t know why is that, but I hope you’ll trust me someday and tell me everything. Just, please, could you at least consider it? I’m begging you.” 

“I don’t know,” Zayn says honestly, “But I’ll think about it. When is Niall going to be here?”

“In five days,” Louis replies, seeming hopeful, “And, what if … hypothetically, of course, I’ve told him you already said yes?”

“Louis!” Zayn hisses, glaring at him. 

“What?” Louis mumbles and drinks his tea, “I didn’t know what to do, so I just said I have a friend that’s looking for a flatmate.”

“I hate you,” Zayn sighs, feeling defeated. “I really, really hate you, Louis, and I should say no, so you’d have to explain yourself and your fat ass would end up on a street, and Harry and Niall would live together happily ever after.” 

“I love you!” Louis screams, making a few people look at them, but the boy ignores them all, standing up and hugging Zayn. “You’re the best, Zaynie boy, seriously.” 

“I didn’t say yes, yet.” 

Louis only blows him a kiss, so it’s a lost battle.

***

Zayn enters his flat, locking the door behind him, and sighs, feeling content for the first time this day. He throws his backpack on the floor, before removing his shoes, and heads to the bedroom, where he takes all his clothes off. He stands naked in the middle of the room for a good minute, then goes to the bathroom to take a nice, long bath. He needs to relax and think thoroughly about the problem of sharing a flat with someone else. Sure, it’d be fun to have somebody around, somebody who’d pay half of the rent and bills, somebody to talk to and drink beer or maybe watch a movie on lazy evenings. But the only thing that Zayn sees now, is the fact that he’ll have to hide again. After moving out of his parents house and finding freedom in this flat, he’ll have to push all of this aside and hide who he really is again. He’ll have to wait for moments when he’s alone, which will probably be like seven hours per week, and then enjoy himself, because that’ll be the only time when he can put on some nice make up and wear a dress, without the fear that someone is going to catch him and judge him for it. Because that is what Zayn does. He wears women’s clothes, does his make up and watches Youtube, where he finds helpful tips about doing perfect eyeliner.

When he was fifteen he found a picture of a guy in girl’s clothes on the Internet and couldn’t forget about it. He wondered how would it be to wear a dress, to have shiny lips and to have eyeshadow on his eyes. 

He was sixteen, when he had an occasion to do it for the first time. On Halloween, in his class, guys dressed up as girls, and girls dressed up as guys. One of his friends did his make up (it wasn’t really good, but Zayn was still amazed) and lent him her dress. As every single one of the boys were complaining about their looks and how uncomfortable women’s clothes are, Zayn felt… good. He felt _himself_ for the first time ever, and looked at himself in every reflective surface.  
From there on, he started saving up his money, and buying cosmetics that he hid in the closet so his mum and sisters wouldn’t find it. As often as he could, he was locking himself in bedroom and doing his make up. It always looked awful, because he didn’t know how to use cosmetics, until of course, he started to google things. After that, everything was better and better, and now Zayn is a master of mixing up colours and applying mascara. 

Zayn doesn’t do this often, he doesn’t always want to dress up or do his make up; sometimes he feels good with beard and leather jacket. And even when he wears stockings, rompers and dresses, he feels fully like a man. He just likes to feel _pretty_ , even if no one sees him like that. Not his family, not his friends, not a single person. It’s not only about fear of being rejected, he wants it to be just his, no one else’s. Also, Zayn doesn’t have a single fucking clue how to describe that sometimes he likes to look like a girl, but it has nothing to do with his gender. People love to label others and Zayn doesn’t want to be labelled as freak, thank you very much. 

He rubs his face with frustration, knowing well he isn’t capable of saying no to Louis. Zayn takes a deep breath, promising himself he’ll fully enjoy his last lonely days.

***

“Are you ready?” Louis asks, when Zayn answers his phone.

“For what?” Zayn murmurs, looking at his face at different angles. 

He pouts, deciding that pink lipstick is not really his colour, and it doesn’t look good with black eyeliner and yellow eyeshadow. 

“For the party,” Louis says happily, just as someone knocks on the door and adds, “Better hurry up and open the door. Perhaps your best friend is waiting for you.” 

“You clearly aren’t talking about yourself,” Harry’s voice resounds in the background, “I’m his best friend.” 

Zayn instantly gets hot all over, feeling panicky. Harry and Louis are standing at the door, and he has red, silky bathrobe on, and make up, which he was doing for the last hour. 

“Zayn!” Louis yells loudly and Zayn hears it in the telephone, but it also echos around in his flat. 

“Um,” Zayn pants, gripping tightly his thigh to focus, “I’m… I can’t… I think you should go home.” 

“What?” Harry asks. 

“I don’t know,” Louis tells him, before he addresses Zayn again, “Can you open the door? I feel like an idiot, standing in your corridor.” 

Zayn grunts, wriggling a little and looks at himself in the mirror. He sees panic in his eyes and notices that they’re unnaturally big. 

“I feel poorly,” He lies through his teeth, “You should go to the party without me. We’ll go together next week.” 

“We don’t have to go, open the door and we’ll stay with you,” Louis suggests. 

“I want to be alone,” Zayn says harshly. He just feels like something is suffocating him and he can’t fucking breathe. He’s not going to show them himself in make up, not today at least. 

“I’m serious, open the door,” Louis demands. 

“We are worried,” Harry adds. 

“Fucking hell,” Zayn hisses. “Just go. I want to be _alone_.”

After this silence comes and Zayn closes his eyes, hanging his head. 

“As you wish,” Louis says finally and he sounds pissed. Then he hangs up. 

Zayn rubs his smooth legs and swallows the lump in his throat. He knows he acted like a prick, but he isn’t ready to show them this side of his personality, and there really wasn’t  
any other way to get rid of them. 

He takes a few calming breaths and wipes off his lipstick with a makeup remover wipe. Then he uses lipgloss and goes to the living room, where he drinks beer and watches Batman. This is his last, lonely night and he’s going to enjoy it. He’ll apologize to Harry and Louis tomorrow.

***

When Zayn wakes up the following day, the first thing he does is clean his flat. He checks Niall’s future room almost four times to make sure that he didn’t leave his women’s clothes or lingerie, and he feels like someone is slowly cutting his oxygen away. He knows it’s ridiculous, but it isn’t that simple to let someone else live in his flat. This is his sanctuary, the only place where he can be truly himself without being judged, and now he has to give that up.

Shaking his head, Zayn focuses on vacuuming the living room and cleaning up the dust. It’s probably the first time he’s ever tidied up this apartment. He finds twenty pounds under the sofa, which had to have laid there for a long time, because it’s covered with dust, and under the coffee table he finds his gold earring that he thought he lost at a party.  
When he’s finished, the flat is almost shining and he still has almost three hours until Niall arrives. He decides it’s a good time to clean up in his closet and throws out his old clothes he doesn’t wear anymore. He looks over his underwear and puts every single piece of his lingerie to the back of the drawer. He does the exact same thing with blouses, trying to arrange everything in a way that it wouldn’t be see if somebody opened up the closet or drawer. 

The most painful thing for him is taking his cosmetics from his dresser and hiding it all in his drawers. He only leaves hairspray, gel and a hairbrush. His hair is now long and falls down softly on his shoulders, so he also keeps headbands on hand, which he uses when he’s alone at home. The loose strands of his hair tend to blind him sometimes. 

He has enough time to take a quick shower and dress in black, tight pants and a plain white T-shirt, before he hears the doorbell. His heart starts beating faster than normally and Zayn takes one last look at the flat, before he goes to open the door. Niall, Louis and Harry are waiting for him. 

“Hi,” He says huskily, and he grunts, moving to the side, so his friends can enter. 

Louis sends him a look and nods, apparently still pissed. It looks like Harry doesn’t hold a grudge, because he leans and kisses his cheek, smiling wildly. 

“I don’t know if you remember me,” the Irishman says, reaching out his hand, “But I’m Niall.”

“I remember you,” Zayn reassures him, shaking his hand, “Zayn.” 

The boy grins at him, putting his luggage down. Zayn only now notices that Louis and Harry have Niall’s stuff too. Nial is a little taller than him, maybe better built too, his eyes  
are incredibly blue and he has dyed blond hair that is darker at the base of his head. He’s handsome and he’s definitely Zayn’s type. 

“That room is yours,” Zayn says, pointing to the end of the corridor, “Our bedrooms are next to each other, I hope you don’t mind.” 

“Nah,” Niall shakes his head. “Thanks a lot for letting me live here. Without you, I’d be homeless.” 

“Don’t be a drama queen, Nialler,” Louis scolds him jokingly, patting him on the back, “We’d let you take our couch.” 

“You mean _my_ couch, I bought it. And probably you fucked on it too many times for my liking,” The boy argues, wrinkling his nose, “So thanks but no thanks.” 

Harry laughs loudly, taking the first bag and heads to Niall’s new room, “Come, I’ll help you unpack.” 

Louis goes to follow him, but Zayn catches his hands, stopping him. 

“Can we talk?”

Louis rises his eyebrows, but stays in place, waiting patiently until they’re alone. He doesn’t say anything, just glares at him expectantly and Zayn fidgets a little under his watchful glance. 

“I’m sorry for yesterday,” He says finally, quietly, “I acted like a jerk, but… um, it was a bad moment, okay?”

His friend squints his eyes, but nods rigidly. 

“I wonder, when you’re gonna trust me enough to tell me your secret,” Louis announces, lifting his finger, when Zayn tries to deny, “Don’t argue with me, Malik. I know you’re hiding something and I hope I’ll acquire this knowledge soon enough. And as long as you don’t murder kittens as a hobby, nothing is going to scare me. You get it?” 

Zayn bites his lip to stop himself from smiling, and nods. 

“Soon,” He promises, “Now come, we need to help my new roommate unpack.”

“You’ll thank me for this one,” Louis teases, slapping his butt. 

“I don’t doubt it,” Zayn murmurs, rolling his eyes.

***

It takes Zayn one month to learn that Niall Horan has never heard of personal space. On the fifth night of living together, Niall sits close to Zayn while they’re watching movie and falls asleep with head on his shoulder. When he wakes up at the end of the film, he just says, “Sorry, man, I dozed off.” Then he slides down and puts his head on Zayn’s thigh, pushing his hand into packet of chips and freely eats them, crumbling on the sofa and Zayn’s pants. He has also zero problems with spontaneous approaching Zayn and hugging him as a good morning or to say thank you for coffee.

He loves to sleep as much as Zayn, he likes chicken and beer, and his big passion is singing and watching golf. He has an awful habit of talking with full mouth and praising Ireland whenever he can. Niall laughs a lot, loudly and cheerfully. And, so to speak, he’s the most likable person Zayn has ever met. Harry and Louis spend most of their free time with them and everything would be perfect if Zayn could find at least five fucking minutes for himself, but he can’t. 

In the mornings, he goes to uni, some afternoons he tutors in drawing, and if he’s not tutoring, he sits with Niall. In the evenings he spends time with the lads, drinking beer and playing Fifa. Only Liam is missing, who failed some exams in the last term and now needs to work twice as hard as normal. He comes to spend time with them like once or twice in a week, but usually he’s so knackered, he falls asleep on the floor or doesn’t even know what they’re talking about, listening to them with close eyelids.  
And because all of this, Zayn wants to scream, cause every time he’s in his bedroom, he has the urge to do nice makeup and wear shorts, even if it’s the beginning of fucking winter. He feels like something in him is missing, and truth be told, he didn’t feel it for the two first weeks – he was focused on Niall and how their life started to fall into natural rhythm – but now after one damn month, he’s on the edge of screaming and crying. 

Zayn stretches, cuddling into a soft pillow and sighs lightly, enjoying the thought of not doing anything today. He can do whatever he wants, because it’s a free day from school  
and he couldn’t be more happy. 

Slowly he gets up, rubbing his face and trying to fully wake himself up, before he heads out of the bedroom and goes to the kitchen. It’s eleven o’clock and Zayn doesn’t have a clue why he’s awake and not still sleeping, taking advantage of silence… Silence. 

“Niall?” He calls loudly. 

He waits a few moments and when he doesn’t hear anything, he runs to the Irishman’s bedroom and knocks on the door. When there is no response, he peeks inside and squeaks in delight, because he’s _alone_. He’s alone and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. 

With excitement he writes a text to Niall. 

_When you’re going to be back?_

Forewarned is forearmed, right? He gets a response two minutes later and Zayn feels like he’s going to jump out of his own skin. 

_Late evening. I promised Liam, I’ll help him revise to exam ;)_

_Cool, if something changes, let me know_

_You need sth? ___

__Zayn bites his lip, wondering what to say, before he decides on half-true._ _

___Nah, I just need a few hours for myself xx_ _ _

___But pls, don’t leave your used vibrator on the couch! Louis used to do that and it was disgusting, so… ;p_ _ _

__Zayn laughs loudly, shaking his head._ _

___I promise, no vibrators! ;)_ _ _

__After this he throws his phone somewhere on the counter top and runs to his bedroom, stopping himself from jumping. He digs the razor out of the cupboard and goes to the bathroom to take a shower and shave his legs. This is one of the advantages of cold weather, he wears trousers all the time so no one sees his legs and asks him about it.  
After nice, long shower, he wraps himself in fluffy towel, and focuses on drying his hair. These ordinary activities bring him relief and Zayn can’t wait for the moment when he starts feeling like himself again. When he’s finished, he heads to bedroom, where he throws the towel in a corner and starts to dig in a drawer for his pink, silky knickers. He puts them on, rearranging his penis and balls for them to be comfortable, and with dancing step, approaches his closet. He’s aware of the fact that some men feel arousal wearing lingerie, that this is a fetish for them… but for Zayn it’s a normal part of the wardrobe, which helps him to feel good. From under pile of clothes he takes high waisted shorts, because it’s what he wanted to wear for the last two weeks, and puts on a loose tee. The temperature it’s probably below zero, but the flat is warm, so he doesn’t really care. _ _

__When he’s fully dressed, he shrugs and starts breathing easier than he has for the last few days._ _

__He applies foundation and does nice, thick lines with eyeliner. He’s about to reach for mascara, when he hears knocking and groans loudly with frustration. His heart starts beating faster and Zayn takes a calming breath. It’s probably postman and he’ll go away in a minute - therational part of his brain tells him it’s impossible, because they have post office boxes on the ground floor - and with trembling hand, he returns to applying mascara._ _

__He jumps a little, when the knocking repeats and then he hears Louis’ scream, “Zayn, I know you’re there!”_ _

__Jesus fucking Christ, this guy has the worst timing ever, but Zayn only takes another breath and sits quietly, applying mascara on his other eye and trying to ignore his wildly beating heart. He knows that, if he’s quiet for long enough time, Louis’ll go._ _

__“Stop jacking off and open the door! I know what you’re doing, Niall told me to not disturb you.”_ _

__Zayn wants to cry, because tell Louis Tomlinson not to do something, he’ll do it even more willingly than normally. And in this moment, Zayn knows that Louis is going to stand at his door and talk about masturbation, until one of the neighbour takes interest in it. On trembling legs, Zayn gets up and heads to the door._ _

__“What do you want?” He asks loudly._ _

__”I knew you’re there, you arsehole,” Louis says, ”Open the door, before my balls freeze off. Why it’s so cold in here?”_ _

__“The heating broke,” Zayn informs him, shaking all over, ”If I tell you it’s a really bad moment, will you go?”_ _

__“No,” Louis sings song, then there’s a moment of silence, before he asks with gentle voice, “It has something to do with your secrety thing, you do when you’re alone, doesn’t it?”_ _

__Zayn leans his forehead on the door, fixing his shorts._ _

__“Yes, will you go now?”_ _

__“Zayn, babe, I feel like an idiot standing at your door and Mrs. Smith just went by, looking at me suspiciously, so maybe show me some mercy and let me inside? We’ll talk and you’ll tell me what’s happening and I promise you, I’ll be quiet as a mouse through the whole thing.”_ _

__“Is that even possible in your case?” Zayn asks, swallowing a lump in his throat. All of a sudden he feels like crying, and blinks quickly to get rid of the burning in his eyes._ _

__Louis chuckles, but when he speaks, he’s serious, “Love, please, open the door, ok?”_ _

__Zayn’s knees quiver at the thought that someone is going to see him like this and… maybe he should just get over with it? He knows that the longer he puts this decision off, the harder it’ll be at the end. So, biting his bottom lip, he takes one step back and unlocks the door. He hides behind it and he lets Louis in._ _

__“Thank God,” Louis mumbles and Zayn tightens his eyelids, “Um, Zayn?”_ _

__Zayn takes a deep breath, before he closes the door and his friend jumps a little, turning around. He looks at Zayn, his eyes widen comically, and tries to say something, but no words leaves his mouth._ _

__“Hi,” Zayn squeaks and feels like it’s the most awkward moment in his life. His skin itches all over, his heart is beating really fast and his eyes fills with tears._ _

__“Oh, Zayn,” Louis says gently and pulls him into tight embrace._ _

__Zayn clings to him as if he’s a lifeline in a deep sea, and tries to stop himself from sobbing, but it keep rising in the back of his throat and then he’s crying like a baby. He’s a trembling and sobbing mess. He takes shallow breaths while Louis rubs his back and hums quietly, “Everything is fine, love, don’t cry”._ _

__It takes Zayn five minutes to stop crying and to move away from Louis. In the back of his mind he thinks he would have used waterproof mascara if he knew how it would have ended, because his make up is probably ruined now, and he looks absolutely awful._ _

__“Hey, hey,” Louis says gently, rubbing his shoulders, “Maybe come to the kitchen, hm? We’ll drink hot tea and talk, okay?”_ _

__Zayn sniffs and nods._ _

__“I should get changed.”_ _

__“Is that what you want to do?” Louis asks, tilting his head to the side and glancing at his bare legs._ _

__Zayn considers it, shuffling. He doesn’t feel fully comfortable standing in front of Louis like this, but on the other hand, this is who he is and he doesn’t want to hide himself any longer. That’s why he shakes his head._ _

__“So don’t do that,” His friend says, “Come to the kitchen. I stood on your staircase for so long, I’m feeling cold all over. I need hot, steaming tea.”_ _

__Zayn rolls his eyes, trying to act normal, while he follows Louis._ _

__“You complain so much, one would think you just came back from Antarctica,” He teases him._ _

__Louis flips him off, making himself comfortable at the table and Zayn feels his gaze on himself, while he makes him tea. He tries not to fidget too much, waiting for the water to boil, and to avoid standing still, Zayn starts looking for some snacks. He only finds Niall’s cookies, but he takes them anyway, making a mental note to buy some more._ _

__They sit for a moment in silence, before Louis speaks, “So… will you tell me everything or do I need to…”_ _

__“You promised to be quiet,” Zayn cuts him off, smiling a little._ _

__Louis rolls his eyes._ _

__“As if you believed me,” He says. “Let’s start with the basic: why did it take you so long to tell me about it?”_ _

__“Theoretically I didn’t tell you anything,” Zayn mumbles to stall, but Louis only raises his eyebrow, so he knows it’s time to tell the truth, “You’re the very first person that has seem me dressed like this and with make up on, so it’s a big deal, you know?”_ _

__Louis’ eyes widen comically._ _

__“You never told anyone? Didn’t show anyone?”_ _

__Zayn shakes his head._ _

__“I hope you understand it’s not so easy for me. I’m not used to telling people: hey, I like to dress like a woman, how are you?”_ _

__“You could do that with me,” Louis reassures him, “You know me and Harry aren’t going to treat you differently because of this, right?”_ _

__Zayn feels like someone just took the weight of the world off his shoulders, and starts breathing easier, sending Louis a big, grateful smile._ _

__“Thanks, Lou,” He murmurs._ _

__“And if you don’t mind, I need a little bit more. If you aren’t comfortable, just tell me. I’ll accept that, but it’d be easier for me to understand, because now I’m a little lost.”_ _

__“I like to dress as a girl,” Zayn confesses after few quiet moments and takes a sip of his tea, “I like to do my makeup and primp myself. And I know you’re probably wandering about the gender I identify myself with… I feel fully like a man,” He says, and then chuckles a little nervously, “Okay, maybe not fully, but I like my cock. I just want to look pretty and makeup and women’s clothes help me with that.”_ _

__Louis looks at him carefully, before he asks, “When did it start?”_ _

__So Zayn tells him about a picture he saw, about Halloween, about his cosmetics and hiding. When he starts talking about finding his own place and being fully himself, Louis interrupts him, “This is why you didn’t want to live with Niall? Because you feel like you need to hide?”_ _

__Zayn nods._ _

__“I’m sorry,” Louis gasps, looking at him apologetically, “I’m really fucking sorry I almost forced you to take him under your roof.”_ _

__“It’s okay,” Zayn reassures him, “I like living with him, Niall is fun and all, I just miss having time only for myself. Today is the first day in a month I dressed like… when I wore girl’s clothes.”_ _

__“Wow, I have awful timing, huh?” Louis asks, smiling a little._ _

__Zayn can’t help it and giggle._ _

__“The fucking worst, bro,” He remarks._ _

__They’re quiet for a moment, drinking their tea, until Louis says suddenly, “You know you don’t have to hide anymore, right? Me and the boys don’t mind it, you can do nice makeup on yourself and wear pretty dresses or shorts. I want you to feel good in your own house and I want you to be yourself with friends.”_ _

__Zayn looks down at his hands and licks his lips._ _

__“I’m not ready yet,” He says honestly, “You need to understand, I was hiding this for four years and I’m not able to change my behaviour just like that. I can’t just switch off the voice in my head that tells me I need to hide and that’s not normal.”_ _

__“Don’t talk like that, you’re normal,” Louis scolds him gently, but surely, “And no pressure, yeah? Just think about it, love, okay?”_ _

__Zayn nods and smiles, because Louis is the best friend in the world._ _

__“I promise,” He declares. “You’re going to tell Harry, right?”_ _

__Louis shrugs._ _

__“You know we’re both awful at keeping secrets, but I can try not to tell him, if you really want.”_ _

__Zayn considers this for a moment._ _

__“You can tell him,” He decides, “But I’d rather not to tell Liam and Niall just yet, okay? I’ll talk to them myself, when the time comes.”_ _

__“Of course,” Louis murmurs. “And thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”_ _

__„No, thank you for understanding,” Zayn replies._ _

__“I’m your _friend_ ,” Louis waves his hand like it’s an answer to all the questions in the world. And it probably is. _ _

__Zayn can’t stop himself from smiling, before he nods, putting a cookie in his mouth. He jumps a little, when Louis’ hand reaches his face and rubs the skin under right eye._ _

__“You had a little mascara there,” Louis explains, when Zayn gapes at him._ _

__“Oh,” He gasps. “Thanks. I think I should fix my make up anyway.”_ _

__Louis chuckles and waves his hand in the direction of kitchen’s door._ _

__“Do what you have to do, I’ll wait.”_ _

__Zayn stands up and rights his shorts, before he heads to the bedroom. He stills, when Louis says, “Your arse looks fucking amazing in those shorts. It’s probably the first time I’ve seen you have a bum.”_ _

__Zayn blushes, because it’s nice to hear something like that, when he’s wearing girl’s clothes. It feels different than compliments he receives about his tattoos or that his beard looks sexy._ _

__“Not everybody was blessed with arse like yours,” He replies, but doesn’t turn around._ _

__“I know,” His friend says happily, “Now go and be quick, before I die from boredom without you. I hate sitting by myself.”_ _

__“You’re such a kid, honestly, Lou,” Zayn teases him, heading quickly to his room, but he still hears Louis grumble, which makes him smile widely. He feels like he’s floating and hopes this feeling will never end._ _


End file.
